Capable of Understanding
by Angel Leviathan
Summary: She refused to answer the questions shot at her by those observing, glaring straight ahead at one man in particular.


Title: Capable of Understanding

Author: Angel Leviathan

Spoilers: Anything, everything.

Season: Future, 2?

Disclaimer: Stargate Atlantis, characters, concept, etc, don't belong to me.

Notes: I've had the one line from this stuck in my head for ages. I hope the rest makes sense.

-

They had been given the technology through trade with a race who had advanced in technological science, able to do so by planet hopping each time the Wraith had closed in on their home world. What initially sounded like a reckless and stupid idea had actually allowed them to keep on track with their scientific evolution and experimentation, having been not knocked straight back to basics through Wraith attacks and culling. Once fine tuned and integrated with their own systems, John had to admit that it would serve as a good training simulation for the non-military personnel. The technology acquired allowed the user to experience a virtual reality, scenarios created and pre-programmed in advance, that the individual would take part in. They had quickly discovered that programming any environment down to the last detail was a relatively simple process, as the device used simple coding methods, yet produced startlingly accurate total immersion. It could create from shooting ranges up to almost exact copies of Atlantis itself, using set programs to create stock characters as enemies, more processing power being taken up with the few actual personnel of Atlantis they tried to re-create. Escape from the false world was simple; a set series of five numbers had to be said aloud to exit.

Believing himself to be responsible for the training of non-military personnel, Sheppard was the one who endured the training scenarios as adjustments were made to finally create a complete program. His only complaint was about the headset; he declared being blinded by green lights each time he 'awoke' was hardly helpful. McKay had reminded him that they weren't 'merely' lights, and if he removed them he would be dismantling the interface. An in-depth rant on how the headset actually worked, involving words such as 'synapses' and 'neural network' left John believing he'd rather have not known _exactly_ how the device worked; convinced it was now frying his mind from the inside out.

Some of the staff of Atlantis had no problem agreeing to use the device for their training, others, however, bluntly refused, saying they'd rather be taught with a real weapon and real targets, even those who had refused to even hold a gun before. Ford had insisted that this would waste ammo and that the scenario was perfectly safe, even an easier way to train. Some Athosians took the training, hoping never to use it, but knowing full well they might have to.

And then came the turn of Elizabeth. There had been few complaints about the scenario so far, some saying it was a little graphic and a little too real, especially the personnel included. Some had been stunned by what was expected of them, but remained silent, knowing they might one day have to take up weapons for real. She was surprisingly calm about the whole thing and did not speak out against the request that she be included in the training, confusing some who knew her well enough to know she believed violence was hardly ever the answer to anything. Through the scenario, Elizabeth actually scored relatively high, showing few signs of stress, until the last five minutes. During those five minutes, the device showed she stayed in the same area, firing no shots and taking little action. It was during that time that she spoke the exit numbers and freed herself of the device. She refused to answer the questions shot at her by those observing, glaring straight ahead at one man in particular. Elizabeth stood and stalked angrily from the room, only pausing briefly in front of him. Everybody heard the words she spoke, but none understood her reasoning.

"You bastard. You son of a bitch. How could you?"

Her voice was low and deadly even, before she took her leave.

He didn't call out after her.

Everybody believed she was in the wrong.

Until John Sheppard admitted he had tampered with the program before he allowed her to use it.

-

John discovered her in her quarters in the late evening of that day, surprised when she actually called for him to enter.

She was seated on her bed, reading a book, calm as could be, and didn't even look up at him.

"I understand why you're angry," he began.

Elizabeth shook her head and turned the page, "You think you understand a lot of things, Major."

"You must understand why I did it."

She continued to 'read', "Frankly, no. I don't understand. I haven't heard of anybody else being put through that."

"It could happen," John replied, taking a seat beside her bed.

"I'm aware of that."

"Then you understand-"

"No," she exhaled. Finally, Elizabeth looked up and across at him, "You knew how real a world it created, you knew how close the personnel were to their real counterparts. I don't understand why you expect me to be capable of doing what you tried to make me."

"Because it could happen," he kept to his argument.

"No need to put me through a trial run."

"Could you have done it if it was real?" he demanded.

She paused before answering, "…I don't know."

"It's a 'yes' or a 'no', Elizabeth," John stated, "Either you could or you couldn't."

"I. Don't. Know," she repeated.

"Answer the question."

"I already did."

"Properly."

"I did."

"_Honestly_," he insisted.

"I-"

"_Honestly!_" John raised his voice.

"No!" she shouted back at him, stunned at her own reaction, looking away. Elizabeth shook her head and glared back at him, "No. I couldn't. You've got your answer. Are you happy now? Now that you know my weakness? Did it serve well as a training exercise?"

"Elizabeth-"

"No, _John_. You had no right to do that to me."

-

"_Kill him. Or I will kill them."_

_Elizabeth held the weapon with hands that did not yet shake, staring into the eyes of John Sheppard, who stood bound before her, the kneeling figures of Ford, Teyla and McKay behind him._

"_It's simple really…"_

_The alien looked human, perhaps even 'acted' human, but wasn't of a humanoid race she could identify. And there was nothing human in the 'heart' of this program._

"_You need him to run this city," she stated._

"_I don't 'need' any of you," the figure replied, "Do you know how much damage this one man has done already? How many of my people he has killed?"_

"You_ attacked _us_!" she shouted, "You killed our own!"_

_He paced round Ford, who glared defiantly up at him, hatred in his eyes, "…Perhaps this one is expendable…"_

"_Just do it, Elizabeth," John said softly, "Just do it."_

_She shook her head as her hands started to shake._

"_He's right, you know. You really should," the alien loaded his weapon._

"_Elizabeth. Shoot me. Now."_

_Weir tried to force her finger to curl round the trigger, "…I..I can't…"_

_He pressed the weapon to Ford's forehead, "…Wasting time…"_

"_Don't do it, Ma'am," Aiden muttered._

"_Each of them is valuable to you, they're nothing to you dead!" she shouted._

"_I'm merely asking you to remove an obstacle for me. You will be following my orders from now on," the alien glanced back at her, "Still no?"_

"_If you're so concerned, do it yourself!"_

"_I need to know I can trust you to follow my orders."_

"_You think I'll be following any of your orders?"_

_His expression altered to one of pity and contempt, "…Wrong answer, Doctor…"_

"_Elizabeth!" John shouted, "Fire the gun! Now! Do it!"_

_She shook her head, eyes tightly shut as she heard the heard the alien weapon fire and she whispered the numbers she had memorised, "Five, Seven, Three, Nine, One."_

_The world faded around her and she found her self temporarily blinded, before Elizabeth woke herself back in reality, John Sheppard observing her from across the room. She was still shaking. Though this time it was rage that flooded her senses._

_-_

"One day you might have to make that decision," John said softly.

"One day, I might. You still had no right to force me into a trial run," she answered.

He looked away, "I needed to know."

"Know what? What could you possibly learn from that?"

"…I needed to know you could kill me…" he uttered.

"What?" Elizabeth stared.

"If there was a choice between my life and the lives of others, I would ask you, hell, anybody, to ensure others lived."

"And nobody else gets a say in this?"

"What would you want me to do in that situation?" he shot back at her, "If it were you?" he demanded.

She recoiled and gazed back at him, sudden understanding in her eyes, "…Kill me…"

"That's what its like. That's what you have to learn. Especially as leader of Atlantis. You'll have to make decisions that will haunt you for the rest of your life. There'll come a time when you have to be ruthless and become a killer, despite your heart screaming at you not to-"

"And you decided now was a good time to force that home?" Elizabeth questioned.

"Yes!" he shouted back at her.

"Why?"

"Because I love you and its something you have to learn if you want to stay sane!" he raged, "You have to learn to shut off your heart! Destroy everything and everyone in your path if it means those you have to protect will survive! And yes, sometimes you _will_ have to sacrifice people! Live with the nightmares and the screams that haunt you in the night! Times when you can't be Elizabeth or Doctor Weir, when you're just a _person_ with just a weapon and you have to fight!"

Elizabeth blinked, trying to process all the information she'd just received, attempting to figure out what had shocked her the most; his anger, his honesty, the fear in his eyes…or the fact that he said he…

"_That's_ why I put you through that," he finished softly. John stood up and crossed the room, headed for the door.

She intercepted him, blocking his escape route. Elizabeth studied him for a moment, before she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him tightly, hiding her head against his shoulder, "…I'm sorry," she tightened her grip and nuzzled against his neck.

John folded his arms around her hesitantly, slowly resting his head against hers, "…You understand now…?" he asked softly.

Elizabeth nodded, "…Yes…" she couldn't look up at him, afraid of seeing his haunted eyes again, "…I couldn't do it…but…I _will_ learn to ignore my heart."

"Not in all matters," he quietly replied.

"…No…" she uttered, "…Not in all matters."

-

Fin


End file.
